One second you’re not, and the next you’re right in the middle of it, experiencing an existential awe at the value of your time and energy, the importance of reducing emotional stress, and just how ugly that particular hairstyle/low-rise jeans/patterned tights combo really was.
When my kids graduated from the I-still-need-you-to-cut-my-pancakes years of their lives, I became aware that midlife, an ambiguous concept that could mean 40 to some people and 50 to others, has certain things attached to it. It brings understanding.
It also provides me with a list of things I wish somebody had told me sooner. Here are a couple of things to celebrate with your evening glass of wine as you think back over what you have discovered so far about life…
1. Your Time Is Actually Valuable
I once thought that my time was infinitely renewable. I volunteered at my children’s schools more than was physically possible.
I made a point of doing everything in a single trip.
Now I take very good care of my time since there is no way to get it back.
2. Saying “No” Is Not Rude
I used to say yes when I meant no. Then sit on the floor in front of the mountain of unfolded laundry thinking about that particular situation and how differently it would have gone down had I said no.
Now, if you invite me to something I don’t want to do, I’ll tell you I can’t make it and I won’t feel guilty. No need to provide a paragraph’s worth of explanation.
It’s freeing.
3. Friendships Change, and That’s Okay
Some of them stay constant. Some wilt away like the neglected ficus in the corner of your living room.
But as priorities and interests change, so will some of your friendships. It’s not a failing; it’s life.
And there’ll be new friends along the way at just the right time.
4. You Don’t Need Everyone to Like You
Women over 55 say this is one of the biggest lessons of their lives. And they’re right.
It’s a load off.
I spent my 20s and 30s obsessing over my appearance. Critiquing my face.
Studying my body in the mirror like it was an audition. As if everyone was waiting for me to nail the role of me.
But you know what? Some people like your take-it-or-leave-it attitude and some don’t.
That’s okay. Once you accept that, you’ll be shocked to see how much of your energy you’re saving by no longer trying to win people over.
5. Your Body Is Not the Enemy
Your body will surprise and shock and disappoint and thrill you. It will bear beautiful children and nurture them and deal with their tantrums and lift them onto your shoulders and carry them to the bathroom when they’re too tired to walk.
It will feel strained and stretched, and it will feel free and happy. Your body will carry you through life, so treat it nicely.
Wear comfy pants. They’re comfy.
And they’re pants.
6. Sunscreen Is Non-Negotiable
Those tiny blemishes that didn’t faze you in your 30s will be impossible to miss later on down the line. Wear sunscreen.
It’s not makeup, it’s insurance.
7. Money Matters More Than You Think
I’m naturally frugal, so money has always been more of a priority for me. But it’s important for anyone to educate themselves on finances and build a habit of saving and investing.
There is a certain empowerment and independence that comes from being able to rely on yourself financially, especially in dire circumstances.
8. Comparison Is a Waste of Time
Someone is going to have a bigger house. Someone else will post pictures of their immaculate kitchen.
Someone will make it look like life is perfect. You could waste away your entire existence comparing yourself to others and I promise you one thing, it will suck the joy right out of your life.
9. Your Kids Don’t Need Perfection
While it’s good to have a sense of planning and structure, I think it’s more important for kids to see that you’re happy to be present. They’ll remember the impromptu movie and snack-filled evenings and the silly family dance parties and inside jokes way more than the carefully planned trips and activities, though they’re nice, too.
10. Marriage Takes Effort and Humor
My husband STILL has no idea where half of the stuff in our kitchen goes. This is one of those silly marriage battles that I refuse to engage in.
Sometimes, you just have to put a label on the drawer.
11. Rest Is Not Lazy
I used to feel guilty when I sat down or took time to rest. Somehow, in my mind, resting was equated to lazy and therefore, equated to failure.
Resting rejuvenates us, though, and we’re much nicer to be around when we’re well-rested.
12. Trends Come and Go
Somehow it’s taken me this long in life to realize that trends are great to experiment with now and then, but classics are best. There’s nothing worse than having a super-cute outfit on and refusing to wear your super-warm coat because it ruins the outfit.
13. Your Health Is Everything
This is another thing you don’t appreciate until something goes wrong. Going to doctor’s appointments, eating well, getting some kind of regular exercise, staying hydrated…these are the most important things.
14. You Can Always Start Over
There’s no deadline for anything. Turns out 40 and 50 are fantastic times of life where you’re learning who you are.
Starting a new career, hobby, or attitude can happen at any age.
15. Not Everything Needs a Reaction
One of my biggest goals is to not react to everything. It’s okay to stay quiet instead of responding to everything that happens.
Peace is priceless, and winning arguments with my husband can wait til tomorrow…or next week…or never.
16. A Clean Kitchen Really Does Matter
I love that when I walk into my kitchen in the morning it’s empty. It’s such a small win, but it helps get me in a good mood for my first cup of coffee!
17. You’ll Care Less About “Stuff”
It seems like as you get older, your opinion of possessions diminishes a bit. I’m still working on this, but I’m getting there.
18. Confidence Comes Later
I like who I am now. This is weird to think, because I didn’t use to.
Confidence is something that builds with time, and it’s something you don’t really feel when you walk into your 20s. But it does come.
Slowly, then all at once, it comes.
19. You Don’t Have to Explain Yourself
It is so freeing to make decisions on your own and to never feel like you have to justify them to anyone.
20. Little Joys Matter Most
The furthest thing from what we thought would make us happy is probably what makes us happy now. Small pleasures like drinking coffee on a lovely morning, taking a walk outdoors beat major accomplishments nearly every time.
All of those impulse purchases and random things eventually desensitize us, making experiences the most highly-valued element of life.
21. Your Circle Gets Smaller—and Better
I think that’s an inevitable part of growing up, but also something we choose. There’s just so much to be gained by investing in quality relationships, especially when our tolerance for drama decreases.
22. You’ll Wish You Took More Photos
Of course we know that picture-perfect isn’t real-life perfect. We’re constantly snapping pics of the perfect, forgetting to document all of the beautiful and authentic.
The crazy moments will eventually fade without documentation. Capture the kids laughing and the messy kitchen and the crazy hat you’re wearing.
They’re moments you’ll be thankful you captured.
23. It’s Okay to Outgrow Things
Jobs, mindsets, habits, lifestyles…we have to grow beyond what’s comfortable. That’s the only way to grow at all.
24. You Know More Than You Think
So much of life is just connecting the dots and trusting your gut. All those past experiences helped to teach you what works for you and what doesn’t.
25. Laughter Is Essential
Things go wrong sometimes, and all you can do is laugh and move on. There’s something about a good laugh in the face of adversity that keeps us mentally healthy.
It’s hard to take anything too seriously after a good chuckle. Everyone needs a different outlet for life’s curveballs—laughter is mine.
26. Your Opinion Matters
I doubted myself for a long time. Now I make my voice heard.
Everyone’s voice matters and is worth making heard.
27. Happiness Looks Different for Everyone
Everyone has their own idea of what makes them happy. It’s okay if what brings happiness to others wouldn’t do the same for you.
28. You’re Stronger Than You Realize
You may not realize it, but life throws tons of challenges your way, and you continue to adapt and move forward. You may not realize it because your growth is gradual and easy to miss.
But you’re stronger than you think. And so are all of us.
29. It All Goes Faster Than You Think
Life is constantly changing. You have to realize that those changes can be amazing, scary, and/or upsetting.
But they’re all pieces of life. Your children are growing so quickly and years are zipping by faster than you realize.
The days when your husband can’t figure out where the spatulas live, the kitchen isn’t the most beautiful sight to behold, and your to-do list isn’t crossed off in full aren’t a reflection of your inadequacies. Those days will someday be your favorite memories.
More importantly, you’re being more successful than you realize.
And that’s okay.