So it’s April 30th. I’m sitting in front of four empty collage boards with nothing glued down.
I have approximately 63,789 photos of Drew on my phone. Not because I’m struggling to determine which of his pictures are the absolute BEST.
It’s because I’m struggling with the fact that in THREE DAYS he’s going to walk across a high school graduation stage…and in fourteen weeks he’ll be loading his life up to spend his college years TWO HOURS away.
If you’re the mama of a high school senior right now…and you’re feeling a tad overwhelmed and unsure of all the things we need to make sure happen between now and graduation…between now and their big move to college…between now and never again…take heart. There are thousands of us in this boat with you.
It’s strange, the summer before a child heads off to college. It’s a countdown, but it’s not.
It’s every day, and somehow, maybe, it’s not. Somehow, maybe, we’re blessed to have another trip to the grocery store with them…another Tuesday morning breakfast together…another Sunday.
But we can’t help counting. And the counting makes us spiral.
And we want to do it ALL, see them OFF in style. Fill their last few months with us together to the brim with memories.
We’ve got to soak up every minute, savor every moment. And then it hits us, “we need to get EVERYTHING done before August,” and…overwhelm sets in.
So to quell my unfocused panic just a tad, and to help quell yours as well, I made a list of ideas for things to do with your senior this summer. It’s not prescriptive, there are little things and large things.
Some you can do right away, others better suited for July. Some will mesh with your kiddo perfectly, others not so much.
It’s not even meant to be accomplished in its entirety (all forty items), just pick and choose. But if you’re like me, who tends to lay awake at night wishing there was SOMETHING specific she could DO instead of aimlessly rifling through pinterest hoping inspiration strikes a la: THIS is the thing we should do next!, maybe a list will help.
Take a peek at my list of Things to do with your high school senior this summer.
P.S., if you’re feeling extra overcome with emotion today, just know you’re not alone…
THE CONVERSATIONS YOU WON’T REGRET HAVING
1. TELL HIM YOUR FAVORITE MEMORY OF HIM AS A KID.
Tell him one favorite memory. Choose one favorite memory of him as a child – him trying to feed cereal to the dog when he was 4, him coming home from kindergarten and telling you about the time some kid, Henry, …, him falling asleep during a movie and snuggling up against you, and your inability to move for the next two hours.
Tell him one before he leaves for college. He’ll roll his eyes.
But he’ll remember it forever.
2. ASK HIM WHAT HE’S NERVOUS ABOUT. THEN DON’T FIX IT.
Tell your son you want to know what he’s most worried about regarding college. Don’t solve his problems.
Don’t reassure him. Just say “yeah, that makes sense.” This is the hardest thing for a parent to do: not solve his problems.
After eighteen years of solving scraped knees and homework problems and friendship difficulties, resisting that urge won’t be easy. But trust us, he’ll tell you more when he realizes you’re not going to solve or reassure.
3. TELL HIM THE ONE THING ABOUT BEING AN ADULT YOU WISH SOMEONE HAD TOLD YOU.
Yes, he’s going to pretend he isn’t interested or doesn’t hear you but he’s listening and will hear every word you say. Maybe how to manage debt.
How to recover from a bad day. How to react to his own dumb decisions.
For me, it’s the realization that NOBODY has a clue what they’re doing.
4. APOLOGIZE FOR SOMETHING SPECIFIC YOU’VE NEVER APOLOGIZED FOR.
If there’s something you realize you should have apologized for but never have, now’s the time. Yes, “I’m sorry for any time I let you down,” is nice.
It won’t be remembered. Apologizing for nothing is the same as not apologizing.
Own up to something specific. “I’m sorry I yelled at you about the dishwasher in 9th grade.
That wasn’t your fault.” Your son will be surprised. He’s been keeping score, and remembers exactly what happened.
Say it before he leaves for college.
5. TELL HIM WHAT YOU’RE PROUD OF ABOUT WHO HE IS, NOT WHAT HE’S DONE.
Tell him how proud you are of who he is rather than what he’s done. Tell him about a time he was kind when no one was watching.
Tell him you appreciate his sense of humor with his friends and his patience with the younger kids. Sure, it’s nice to praise your son for his great grades, his sports teams and his awards.
But as your son makes his way out the door to start his next phase, college, take a moment to praise who he is.
6. HAVE THE “IF SOMETHING HAPPENS” CONVERSATION.
What will he do if he runs out of money? Gets sick?
Has problems with his roommate? Give him your doctor’s phone number.
Practice the fire drill. It’s not interesting right now.
But come October, when it needs to be done, he’ll be grateful.
ADVENTURES, BIG AND SMALL
7. TAKE A ROAD TRIP. EVEN JUST AN HOUR AWAY.
Pack a novel that will hold his interest until arrival. Put together a playlist.
Pack some snacks. Take a road trip with your son.
It can be as close as an hour away. All you need is time in the car, cruising down a highway at 65 and talking about various topics as you gaze out the windshield that he probably wouldn’t talk about sitting across a kitchen table from you.
You can always take a road trip with your son once he’s in college, but you’ll have a unique opportunity to do so before he goes. Take advantage of it.
8. WALK HIS COLLEGE CAMPUS TOGETHER ONE MORE TIME BEFORE MOVE-IN.
It might seem redundant since you’ve probably already made the trip there once or twice, but taking him back to the college to wander around again will help him imagine it’s going to be his home away from home. Stop in front of his dorm, locate the dining hall, cruise by the library, eat in the college town.
Make it an event, and remind him that although he’s going to love living there, he can always count on us.
9. TAKE HIM TO YOUR FAVORITE RESTAURANT FROM WHEN HE WAS LITTLE.
Go to that restaurant where you took him after his first T-ball game or the pizza place around the corner from your first home together. Ordering the same thing will spark dozens of memories for both of you.
Grab some kleenex, as it can be incredibly moving.
10. GO TO A CONCERT. HIS MUSIC, NOT YOURS.
Get him tickets to see his favorite artist, the one he’s been obsessed with in the car the past two years. Don’t grumble about the expense, either.
Buy two. This memory will last ten years: him, at 18, about to leave for college, really enjoying his favorite music, and YOU, braving the middle of a bunch of teen moshers without once mentioning the insanely-loud volume.
Go ahead, enter his world. Let him choose.
Make memories.
11. SPEND A WHOLE DAY OUTDOORS WITH NO AGENDA.
When’s the last time you and yours had a day with no schedule? Spend a whole day at a state park or the pool or beach or lake.
Just a few hours spent outside with family and friends. No agenda, no responsibilities, no plans, no phones.
Books are ok. Relaxation is encouraged.
Do it again, for your son, before he heads off to college.
12. HAVE A “YES DAY.” HE PICKS. YOU GO.
“YES DAY.” If you have a son who is about to leave for college, give him control of your entire day’s plans. Let him choose where you’ll have breakfast and lunch, what you’ll do during the day, and where you’ll have dinner.
Yes, you will go along with his plans (within reason; sorry, no, you are NOT buying a motorcycle). It will break your heart a little and make you thankful at the same time as you get a peek at the man he’s going to become.
13. THE GROCERY STORE RUN PLUS A QUICK LUNCH.
If there’s a son who is about to leave for college, get him to go grocery shopping with his mother and eat lunch. My mother and I used to do that, and the trips were an excuse for conversation.
Often, guys need an occasion like that for talking to their moms. Some of the very best memories in my life happened next to a pile of grapefruits in a grocery store.
KEEPSAKES AND THINGS TO HOLD ONTO
14. WRITE HIM A LETTER TO OPEN IN HIS DORM ROOM.
Imagine him reading it. He’s alone, sitting on his twin bed, and your words are making him smile and reflect.
Imagine that image. After talking with him and saying goodbye, write down your favorite memories with him, your hopes and fears for him, your dreams for him.
Write down everything you wish you could tell him but lack the courage. Write down hard truths.
Seal the letter. On the day you take him to college, tuck the letter into his suitcase.
Just believe me.
15. MAKE A “MOM’S RECIPES” NOTEBOOK.
By his sophomore year, it’ll be his favorite thing. Start a recipe notebook for your son.
Include recipes for your favorite family meals and special dishes, such as his favorite chicken for his birthday, your tried and true chili recipe, your meatballs. Title it “MOM’S RECIPES”, add helpful hints (“Don’t burn the garlic.”) and personal comments (“I always add extra cheese.”) in the margins.
He’ll appreciate your advice more than you know.
16. TAKE A PHOTO ON THE FRONT PORCH IN THE SAME SPOT YOU’VE TAKEN THEM IN FOR YEARS.
Kindergarten, first day of school, 1st grade, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, junior high, high school, graduation, leaving for college. He’ll roll his eyes.
He’ll groan. But he’ll let you.
Then you’ll take the college photo and put it right next to that first kindergarten photo and you’ll cry during your Wednesday commute to work for the rest of your life. It’s worth it.
17. RECORD A VIDEO OF HIS VOICE ANSWERING A FEW QUESTIONS.
It doesn’t have to be an interview. Hand him your phone and ask him a few questions and record his answers.
What’s his fondest memory from childhood? What piece of advice would he give to his younger self?
What’s a secret about himself that nobody else knows? Save the file.
It may be priceless to listen to down the road, especially once his voice starts changing. Here’s to all of your sons heading off to college.
18. FRAME SOMETHING OF HIS OLD WORK FOR HIS DORM.
It will go on the wall of his dorm. We’re talking second-grade art projects, school assignments that feature him, middle school pictures he didn’t even know you’d saved.
Pick something nostalgic and sentimental. Frame it.
Wrap it. Drop it into the pile of goodies he’ll take with him to college.
He’ll pretend to be embarrassed, but he’ll love it. Trust me.
19. MAKE A MEMORY JAR FROM FAMILY AND FRIENDS.
We also ask his extended community, like aunts, grandparents, his coach, and his best friend’s mom, what their favorite memory with him is. We print them out, fold them up and put them in a mason jar, maybe with a ribbon tied around it.
We save that for either his graduation party or college move-in day. He’ll go through them all.
Guaranteed. And so will you.
20. PRINT ACTUAL PHYSICAL PHOTOS FOR AN ALBUM HE CAN TAKE TO COLLEGE.
His roomies will be so green with envy that his MOMMY made him a photo album! Take him to Walgreens to print pics, it’s less than 30 cents each on paper.
Pick 30 pics from different times of his life. Get an album and assemble it.
Slip it into his suitcase as a surprise when he leaves for college. He’ll be so proud to show it off and you’ll walk away from this knowing you’ve done something special for your son!
LIFE SKILLS TO SEND HIM OFF WITH
21. TEACH HIM LAUNDRY. FOR REAL THIS TIME.
“I showed him when he was 12” is NOT adequate preparation for doing laundry in college. Show him again.
Make him do a load under your tutelage before he leaves. Explain how to sort whites from darks (and what to do with that new red shirt), how to determine the proper dryer setting and how much detergent to use.
Yes, he will roll his eyes at you. But in October he’ll call and ask you how to get this-or-that stain out and you’ll be so smug.
22. TEACH HIM FIVE ACTUAL MEALS.
Teach him five genuine meals. It’s an excuse to stand at the stove together having casual side conversations.
He’ll think he’s just helping make dinner. In two years, he’ll be able to make these meals well enough to impress.
More importantly, though, he’ll be able to survive. Here’s my list: Eggs, made a couple of different ways (scrambled, egg sandwich), Pasta with an actual sauce (not just tossed in butter), Basic stir fry, Grilled cheese sandwich and canned tomato soup, Sheet pan chicken with vegetables.
23. WALK HIM THROUGH A REAL BUDGET.
By November of his first year of college, his roommate is going to be broke and he is going to be thanking you. Before he leaves for college, sit down with your son and walk through what a budget looks like.
Yes, he is going to roll his eyes and act bored and disinterested and resistant but do it anyways. Look at how much money he has to work with.
What’s in his checking account? Map out the money that will be coming in (job, financial aid, allowance, etc.) and the money that needs to go out (gas, food, sundries, etc.).
Sit down together and make a plan as to how he’s going to track his budget. A simple Google Sheet can work.
It’s a lot easier to make sure he’s not blowing his budget when it’s concrete and can’t allow for spending $400 on eating out in one weekend.
24. SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE A DOCTOR’S APPOINTMENT AND REFILL A PRESCRIPTION.
Chances are your son has never once made a doctor’s appointment by himself. Take him to the doctor’s office and show him how to find the health center on campus and what steps he needs to take to make an appointment.
While he’s there, explain insurance and how to get prescription refilled before he leaves for school.
25. TEACH HIM TO WRITE A PROFESSIONAL EMAIL.
Your son may think that a good email consists of writing “hey” and typing in all lowercase, just like he’s done for the past four years when texting. Explain to your son that an informative subject line, personalized greeting, succinct introduction, specific request, courteous conclusion, and full name is what constitutes an appropriate email that would be suitable for sending to his advisor, boss, and professors.
Teach him now, before September.
26. BASIC CAR STUFF.
Teach him some basic auto maintenance. Whether or not your son has his own vehicle, make sure he knows what to do if he’s running low on gas, how long he can drive his car before an oil change, how to recognize what’s up with those little lights in the dashboard, how to determine whether or not his tires are properly inflated, how to jump-start a car, and how to change a tire.
He’s guaranteed to need help with at least two of those items within his first six months. Save yourself the aggravation down the road by giving him a lesson now.
27. HOW TO MEND A BUTTON AND USE IRON-ON HEM TAPE.
Another item on my list that I plan to work into this summer’s activities is teaching my son how to fix a missing button and how to use hem tape. He will probably never pick up a needle and thread again, but I’m certain that at some point, there’s going to be a frantic scramble to locate a button for his dress shirt as he’s getting ready for a special occasion.
At that moment, I’m betting he’ll think back to his wise ol’ Mama showing him how to fix that pesky missing button. All it takes is a needle, thread, hem tape and 5 minutes.
LAST WEEK RITUALS
28. ONE FINAL FAMILY DINNER WITH ALL HIS FAVORITES.
This year during the summer I’m going to make sure we have a special meal together before my son leaves for college. Make the meal about him.
Serve the foods HE likes. Set the pretty dishes out on the dining room table.
Light some candles. Take some pictures.
Eat slowly. Enjoy it.
Who knows what kinds of small side dishes and three meats might be involved?! His departure will be a milestone that changes the rhythms of the house forever.
Honor that!
29. TAKE A “BEFORE I LEAVE” PHOTO ON THE PORCH.
During move-in week take a picture of your son on the porch with his book bag with the car loaded up. Capture the excitement.
We take lots of graduation photos but few of the leaving-for-college shots. Print it out and display it on a shelf alongside his first-day of kindergarten photo.
Talk about them together forever.
30. GIVE HIM A SMALL TOKEN FOR HIS WALLET.
Before your son goes off to college, tuck a token of love into his wallet. It doesn’t need to be more than a penny from the year he was born, a note with a single encouraging statement, or a small, laminated photograph of the two of you together.
College can become overwhelming by October, and this token will provide him with a sense of your love. It may not be something he thinks about everyday, but he’ll feel its presence, and that’s all that’s necessary to provide some comfort.
31. HELP HIM PACK. SLOWLY. NOT THE NIGHT BEFORE.
Help him pack – but take your time. Don’t leave it to the last minute.
Start a week in advance, make a list of what’s required and tick off the list. Start with those items that have the greatest emotional impact – leave the more practical bits of equipment to last.
Lay them out on his bed – the framed pictures, the photo albums, letters, his recipe box and other mementoes of childhood – and work through them at a leisurely pace. As you do so the things that need saying, but which have yet to be said, will surface.
32. THE DRIVE TO DROP HIM OFF. LET IT BE QUIET SOMETIMES.
The car trip should include driving songs and food. Let it be loud and rowdy, but be ok with quiet.
Don’t bombard your son with questions about what he packed. Don’t hand him a binder of life advice from the passenger seat of a moving car.
Be ok with moments of silence. Resist the temptation to fill them.
Sit back, look out the window, enjoy the moment with him. You both understand its significance without saying anything.
33. DON’T RUSH THE GOODBYE IN THE PARKING LOT.
Get in the car and cry. Cry all you want halfway down the road.
If you’re one of the rare few who manages to get through a trip to campus without shedding a tear, make sure to get home and let it all out. This summer when I pull into that parking lot I’m not going to rush it.
Neither should you. Don’t try to diminish it.
Embrace how hard it is. Stay a little longer than you think you should.
Hug him. Hold him.
Tell him you love him. Tell him how proud you are.
Don’t pretend it’s “fine”. Let it be what it is.
THE ORDINARY MOMENTS THAT ARE ACTUALLY THE WHOLE THING
34. SIT ON THE COUCH AND WATCH HIS SHOW WITH HIM.
My goal for the summer, before he leaves for college, is to spend as much time on that couch with him, watching TV, as I can. So here’s what I’m going to do.
Whatever show he likes to watch I’m going to watch. Even if it’s awful.
Even if it makes no sense. I will hold my tongue on those 47 questions I have.
I will not critique the program. And, at appropriate times, I will laugh.
Because in five years I’m not going to remember what show we watched. But I’m going to remember sitting on the couch with my son, in the summer before he left for college.
The show is an excuse to sit on the couch. The point is watching TV together.
35. MAKE HIM BREAKFAST ON A RANDOM TUESDAY.
I especially loved cooking for him at age 9. Anything I cooked that we’d eat together delighted him.
This summer, before my son heads off to college, I’m going to make him breakfast on an unassuming Tuesday morning. Eggs.
Pancakes. Maybe french toast.
He’ll be up early, I’m sure of that. We’ll eat and enjoy the moment.
No photos will be taken, nothing will be posted. But when he’s living in college, he’ll remember that Tuesday morning and so will I.
Take the time to enjoy these moments with your kiddos.
36. DRIVE HIM SOMEWHERE HE’S PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF DRIVING HIMSELF.
During this summer, before my son leaves for college, I’m going to offer to drive him somewhere—even though he’s perfectly capable of driving himself. He may find the notion a little strange.
But he won’t know that I’ll be taking the long way there. That twelve-minute drive will generate more conversation between us than I’ve had with him during three days under the same roof.
37. LET HIM SLEEP UNTIL NOON AND DON’T WAKE HIM.
Let him sleep until noon. Summer is his time to decompress and relax.
Don’t bust through his door to wake him. Instead, go through your usual morning activities, make yourself a cup of coffee and enjoy the quiet on the couch.
Your day with him will begin when he shuffles into the kitchen at noon. In three months that bedroom will be empty, that bed won’t be his.
Enjoy every single moment you have while it is.
38. COOK DINNER TOGETHER. NO PHONES AT THE TABLE.
Make dinner with him, even if you don’t feel like it. Especially if you’re predicting it’s going to be awkward.
Make it something easy – pasta, tacos, grilled cheese. Spend 30 minutes side-by-side in the kitchen preparing dinner.
Then sit down together and eat. Turn off your phone.
Leave it off the table. Play some music.
Talk. Enjoy one another.
Chances are, if you can overcome your pride, you’ll have the best conversation you’ve had together in weeks. Trust me, you’ll miss those moments in September.
39. TAKE A WALK AFTER DINNER. NO AGENDA.
Tell him you want to take a walk with him. Go for a walk in your neighborhood or just around the block after dinner before he leaves for college.
After about eight minutes of walking, conversation comes much easier. It doesn’t have to be a work-out, it doesn’t have to be productive.
Soon, your son will tell you things during this walk he wouldn’t tell you any other way. Leave the headphones at home.
Walk together, no destination in mind, no agenda.
40. SIT IN HIS ROOM SOMETIMES. JUST BECAUSE.
When he goes to a friend’s house, or goes to work, or goes out in the evening, go in and sit on his unmade bed and take in his room. Take in all of it, the posters and trophies and clothes on the floor, his life in miniature.
Memorize it, because when he leaves it won’t look like that again. …and that’s okay.
OK SO ABOUT THOSE COLLAGE BOARDS.
Today is the 30th of April. My son leaves home in 14 weeks.
The collage boards for his graduation party, happening in 3 days, are leaning against the wall in our dining room, incomplete, waiting for me to figure out which photographs to use. I’ve been avoiding them because they represent something I’m not ready to acknowledge.
The fact that raising him is complete.
I wrote a list of 40 ideas. Somewhere around idea #23 it dawned on me that none of them were really about collage boards.
They’re about grabbing hold of a car ride or a breakfast date or a concert together or a quick goodbye hug in the school’s parking lot and realizing that soon they’ll be impossible. Soon will be in a few weekends when summer evaporates and we’ll be in the throes of goodbye.
It’s a list meant to prod us to say yes to those moments. Not plan.
Not put them on the calendar. Not elaborate, complicated adventures.
Just pick one of the suggestions and do it. Today.
No big deal. Pick one and go.
That’s it.
Pick one idea and text him, hey, let’s grab lunch this week, just us.
Go grab that moment. Today.